Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
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