If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Randomize
