Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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