i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
