my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
