I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
