At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
where are my eyebrows?
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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