i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Randomize
