she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
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