I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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