My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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