shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
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