Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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