11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
