Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize