Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Randomize
