Define "chronic" masturbator.
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
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