Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
it's like heaven, but drunker
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
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