Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
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