Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Randomize
