I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
