Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
