The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
My life is pants optional.
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