I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
