He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize
