you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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