Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
