My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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