That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
