using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
