you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Randomize
