I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
We need to get me chipped asap
Randomize
