Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Randomize
