My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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