i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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