Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize