i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
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