just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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