I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
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