I wish I could teleport
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
