Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize