I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
