If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize