You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
