I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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