She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
