I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
