thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Randomize