Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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