where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Randomize
