Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Sober January is a disaster.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
