I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Randomize
