I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
