OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
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