her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
