I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
are you so shy because you have an std?
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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