also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Randomize
