wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Randomize
