I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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