I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
