I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
