I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
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